Before I was a mother, I used to dread chatting with new mothers because our conversation would go something like this:
“Hey, how are you doing?” I’d ask.
“I’m great! My daughter is now sitting up on her own,” New Mother replied.
“Wow. But how are YOU doing?” I’d ask again.
“I’m great! My daughter is so cute, you should see this face she makes when she poops,” New Mother replied.
Again, I asked, “Yeah. But HOW ARE YOU? You know, as a person?”
And New Mother would stare at me for a few seconds, unsure how to answer. Because she – like many new mothers – lost her personal sense of identity with the birth of her child. It’s almost as if the pre-motherhood woman didn’t exist anymore.
But like I said… this was before I had kids.
Now, I completely understand how this can happen. Mothers think their kids are great and want to talk about them all the time. But your child is a part of your life, not the center of it, and it’s crucial for mothers to maintain their identity and incorporate motherhood into it. And here’s how.
1. Get out of the house at least once a day. This may sound funny if you’re not a parent, but it’s a good daily goal, especially in the first few months of motherhood. Go to the grocery store, the post office, the park, the mall, wherever. This can be tough some days, but at the very least put the baby in the pram (stroller) and go for a walk. Venturing out of doors will not only give you a reason to get dressed, but will clear your head and help you remember that there is another world out there beyond the walls of your house.
2. Get a hobby. I’m not talking about mothers groups or play groups. I’m talking about a HOBBY or ACTIVITY for you. For example, I joined a local women’s craft group where the youngest woman (before I came along) was 56. These women made a fuss over my son and were more than happy to hold him while I knitted. I enjoyed the company and felt like I was accomplishing something for myself, rather than just something as a mother. Having a hobby – whether it’s knitting, stock trading, or blogging – will keep your mind active which, in turn, will make you a better mother.
3. Meet other mothers. Join play groups (but don’t make this your hobby) and socialize with women who are in a similar situation as you. When befriending someone new, try to talk about yourselves pre-motherhood. This can be difficult if you’re not used to talking about yourself, but by doing so it will form a foundation for a friendship based on you rather than solely on your kids.
4. Stay connected with old friends. You will need to make it a point to seek out & make plans with old friends, especially the ones without kids. Grab a coffee, go for a walk, or meet at the beach. It’s sometimes easier to make plans with your new friends (like the ones from mothers group, for example), but maintaining relationships with people who knew you before you were a mother will actually help you maintain your identity in motherhood. And again, when you see your old friends, try to keep the conversation away from your adorable kid.
5. Keep the romance alive. I loved the days of pre-motherhood with my husband: sleeping in on weekends, going out to dinner & a movie, traveling overseas, spontaneous weekend trips. Life is now different with a child (no more sleeping in, for example), but it doesn’t have to kill the romance. In fact, we make it a priority to spend quality time together. Sometimes it’s a special dinner at home with a rented DVD (no babysitter needed) or a day at the zoo with our son. And no matter what, my man always kisses me first – and our son second – when he gets home from work. Your man fell in love with YOU and he will support you and help you maintain your identity in motherhood.
6. Pamper yourself. Massage, pedicure, hair style. Need I say more? If money is tight, ask for these things for special occasions, like your birthday or Mother’s Day.
7. Celebrate Mother’s Day. If your husband is like mine, he will need some not-so-subtle hints to make the day special. You are a mother and you deserve the recognition! Celebrate this part of your identity. Embrace it. Love it. Live it.
So remember: The next time someone asks you, “How are you doing?” make sure you answer, “I’m doing really well. And let me tell you why…”
