Parents often respond with surprise to that question. "Of course, my kids know I love them! I drive them here, I do this, I do that for them! I even say "luv yah" when they go out the door in the morning. How could they not know?"

And yes, likely your children know and feel your love at some level. But it's important for parents to be very direct with their children about their love for them, and important to show them in very concrete ways.

In Positive Discipline, we say "always let the love show through". And in fact, expressing and showing your love to your child is one of the most powerful parenting tools! Children need to know that we love them unconditionally even in the most challenging times and in spite of their mistakes or behaviour.

One of the ways we can express our love to our children is through "special time" (another Positive Discipline tool). "Special time" means time spent one on one with your child when you really connect. I always tell parents that no matter what is going on between them and their child (behaviour issues, conflict, etc.) that "special time" is a time when you don't bring any other agenda to the table other than spending quality time. "Special time" should never be dependent on behaviour or be used as a bargaining or bribery tool.

In fact when children are exhibiting challenging and undesirable behavior frequently, is when they need "special time" the most. This is often a difficult concept for us adults to get our heads around.

If you have been reading my newsletters regularly, you will remember that in the December, 2010 issue I talked about a "misbehaving child being a discouraged child" and that "kids do better when they feel better". That being said, it follows that a "misbehaving child" needs to be encouraged.

There are many ways to do this, but "special time" is one of the most encouraging things you can do for your child! It's possible that spending quality time with your child will encourage him/her enough that the misbehavior will lessen and sometimes even disappear. I have heard many touching stories of how "special time" has healed relationships and put a parent and child back into a place where solutions are found.

For busy parents, time may be the biggest barrier in following through with "special time". Reality is though, if something is important to us, we'll usually find time for it. And I believe, if parents really knew the impact that "special time" can have on their relationship with their children, they would make it a number one priority.

How much or how little "special time" is needed? Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline offers the following guidelines based on age:

• 2 to 6 yrs. old – 10 min./day
• 7 to 12 yrs. – at least 30 min./week
• 13 and older – Once a month; something your teen can't resist!

When children are very young, "special time" can be spent doing an activity that they choose. But as children get older, you may want to invite them into your world by doing something you choose or at least something you both enjoy.

Ruth Buffam
www.positivediscipline.ca
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