Self-esteem – the collection of pictures children carry around of who they are and how they fit in—is formed early in life.
Even though children make these decisions internally, parents have a tremendous influence on the unconscious decisions children form.
The way parents communicate both with words and actions, help children form healthy or unhealthy decisions about themselves.
Children usually form healthy self-esteem decisions when parents demonstrate that they believe their children are capable by giving
them opportunities to experience their capability. They thrive when parents create an environment where children are allowed
to contribute and when parents let children influence what happens to them by participating in decision making.
Children usually make unhealthy self-esteem decisions when they think they have to change to be good enough or when parents do
too much for them so they don’t experience their capability. As a parent, you may think your children are great just the way
they are, but what is more critical is what your children decide about themselves.
The following list is by no means exhaustive, but contains a few key suggestions for fostering healthy self esteem in children:
- Listen to your children and take them seriously. They are forming their ideas and opinions. How they think today may be different
from how they think tomorrow, but they still need their parents’ ear and support. They need validation that their opinions are important.
- Separate the deed from the doer when dealing with misbehaviour. For example, make it clear that you love the child but you don’t
like crayon drawings on the wall. Remember that mistakes are opportunities for children to learn and grow and are not character defects.
- Stay away from the use of praise. Praise may seem to work when things are going well and the child is succeeding. However, your children
may become approval junkies, which means they believe they are okay only if someone else tells them they are. If you overuse praise, what
do you do when your child is failing? That’s when he or she needs encouragement the most – some word or gesture that lets her know "You’re
all right!" Encouragement is different from praise as it teaches self-evaluation. “I’m so proud of you for getting that A,” is praise.
"You worked very hard to get that A,” is encouragement.
- Never compare children to each other. Each child is a different, unique person and should be valued and belong just the way he or she is.
- Spend special time with each child alone, reminding each one of his or her uniqueness.
- Watch out for having unrealistically high expectations for your children and making it appear that your love is conditional on their performance
or behaviour.
- Avoid any kind of name calling or labelling – ie. never call your child lazy, irresponsible or use any other form of disrespectful put down.
Focus on solutions instead of blame.
- Be sensitive to situations where your children are being put down by siblings, classmates, friends or any other people in their life. Help
them realize that disrespectful behaviour exhibited by others has more to do with the problems of the individual dishing it out and little or nothing
to do with your child.
Ultimately, healthy self esteem enables children to go out into the world confident that they can face adversity, solve problems and make a
contribution. It does not come from gold stars and rewards but emerges from experiences, both positive and negative, through which they
gain wisdom and learn that they are capable, significant people.
Article by Ruth Buffam (Based on the bestselling Positive Discipline Series by Dr. Jane Nelsen)
Ruth is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator from the Calgary area. She offers workshops & parent coaching based on the
Positive Discipline model.
Website: www.positivediscipline.ca
Email:
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Phone: 403.818.5295
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