"Where did we get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, we have to make them feel worse?" Dr. Jane Nelsen

How would you respond if your boss or a colleague reprimanded you for a mistake that you made by saying, "Go to your room and think about what you just did!"? Most of us would laugh and say, "I don't think so!". Then why do we think negative time out is effective for children when it wouldn't be effective for us?

Negative time out is based on the thought that in order to get children to do better, first we have to make them feel worse. Positive Time Out is based on the understanding that in order to get children to do better, first we have to make them feel better. Check out these premises for yourself. Do you do better when you feel worse, or when you feel better?

When human beings are upset, they function from the part of the brain where the only options are fight or flight. When parents send their children to time-out (as a punishment) they are most often operating from that part of the brain. The child is likely operating in the "fight or flight" mode as well and thus the vicious cycle of "fight or flight" perpetuates.

Positive Time Out allows children to calm down until they are again functioning from their rational brain so they can problem-solve and learn. It teaches children to understand that their brains don't function well when they are upset and that taking "time out" to calm down is advantageous to them, rather than detrimental. Positive time out encourages children to form positive beliefs about themselves, their world, and their behavior. In this state of mind, they can learn from their mistakes and/or problem solve on how to make amends for any hurt or damage their behavior might have caused.

A sports analogy often helps adults and school age children understand the benefits of Positive Time Out. The purpose of "time out" in sports is to stop the clock, catch your breath, regroup, take a look at what isn't working, and come up with a new plan. Positive Time Out can do the same for both children and adults in the home. It can stop the clock on negative behavior and allow time for calming down so that new behavior is possible. Since children do better when they feel better, they will be able to regroup and come up with a new plan that will serve them and others.

Creating a Positive Time Out area doesn’t have to be complicated. Before it is needed and when everyone feels calm, explain to your child that we all have times when we lose control of our behavior, feel upset, or find ourselves in a bad mood. This does not mean that we are bad; it just means that we feel too bad to know what kind of behavior would help us and others. During these times, it can be helpful to have a Time Out place to sit quietly and wait until we feel better.

It is important to involve your child in the process of creating a Positive Time Out. Let him/her create a name for the area. It may be helpful for them to call the area something to remind them of the positive purpose of time out (ex. The Feel Better Place, The Quiet Time Spot, etc.). Let your child help design their Positive Time Out area and help them choose things that might help them calm down and feel better such as stuffed animals, books, pillows, soft music, etc. Involve your child in creating rules for the use of Positive Time Out as children are much more liable to follow rules when they are involved in making them.

Positive Time Out is usually not developmentally appropriate for children under the age of two and a half unless they choose it (which may be very rare) or unless an adult goes with them. There are of course, exceptions to most rules.

Positive Time Out is one of the many effective Positive Discipline tools. It teaches the valuable life skill of learning to take time to feel what you feel, and to calm down until you can behave in more constructive ways. And remember, Positive Time Out can work for us adults, too!

Article by Ruth Buffam (Based on the bestselling Positive Discipline Series by Dr. Jane Nelsen)

Ruth is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator from the Calgary area. She offers workshops & parent coaching based on the Positive Discipline model.

Website: www.positivediscipline.ca
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Phone: 403.818.5295