March 10, 2010

I would like to share my story with you...in case something like this ever affects you or someone close to you.

As some of you may know, our baby was due on February 28 and we were happily looking forward to the new arrival. I'm good German "breeding stock" and my pregnancy was problem-free and I was symptom free...just like my first pregnancy with my son.  All of my pre-natal tests, ultrasounds and blood tests came back clean...everything was perfect.

One week before my due date, I woke up at 8:30 in the morning like every other morning...baby wasn't tooling around so I figured that she must still be sleeping.  I had a lot of errands to do and figured that the jostling would wake her up.

Because I was so busy, I wasn't charting whether or not she was kicking...but after finishing up my errands around 4:30 I was definitely questioning things.

I Googled different search words...and was reassured that I should try sugary beverages, candy, caffeine and/or a big meal.  I tried all of the above...Nothing...and was told by a friend or two that there isn't a lot of space for baby to move anymore and to not worry. Ok.  

But, still, I worried.  Baby was always active when I laid down...so I went for a lie-down around 10:30.  Nothing.

Baby was always super active whenever I took a hot bath, so I took one.  Nothing.

So I called Alberta Health Link.  They said it was standard practice in this unknown late-term instance for me to go into the hospital to get checked out.  It was 1:30 in the morning. I left my husband at home so that he could get some sleep...but that didn't work at all...he fretted the whole time even though I reassurred him that it was probably nothing and I was being overly cautious.

At the hospital...the nurses spent close to half an hour with their equipment trying to find a heartbeat.  Where one had always been easily found...there was only silence.  They left the room in hushed whispers and a promise to bring the doctor on call back with them.

At that point I knew my worst fear was realized.  What most of us know about is the 25% chance of miscarriage within the first 3 months of pregnancy; What most of us don't hear about is that there is a 3 in 1,000 chance of a late term miscarriage.  Perhaps I should have bought a lottery ticket on the same day, but we lost our little girl a week before she was to be born:   We became a statistic...one of the 3 in a 1,000.  It was hard to believe...like it was happening to someone else.  The doctor verified her passing, and then talked about delivery options.

Why couldn't I simply absorb my baby back into myself?  I didn't want this thing happening to me...and then still have to deliver the baby on top of it all!  I decided that a c-section was too much recovery time and that a natural delivery was the best choice for me.  

I was promised a private room away from the new babies in the maternity ward (which wasn't available at that time), so they sent me home until the morning when I would come back and they would induce labour.  

I had to drive myself home and try to get some sleep with this cold, little being inside of me.  My husband and I spent a fitful and sad night together, and drove to the hospital together the next morning.

Labour was manageable, because they could give me whatever epidural dose I wanted to control the pain since there was no longer any risk to the baby.  The nurses were specifically trained on how to best help me "cope", and they were very good to me.  I typically deal with sadness using logic and humour...and had the nurses laughing with my request for a bikini wax since the lower half of my body was numb from the epidural...which they declined.  Still, an occasional laugh was better than the silence of the room where a baby should have been crying...instead of me.

I delivered the baby later that night and was determined not to hold her, much less see her.  I couldn't.  To me, it would have been much harder to take if I had. 

The thing is...there are no wrong decisions...it must be remembered that the only right decision was what was right for me at that moment.  In the back of my mind I knew that I would have another chance at the funeral home; that, and the hospital makes a memorial package of photos, hand and foot prints and a lock of hair that I could pick up later when I was able.

Here is another thing that, thankfully, not many people have need to know...a foetus passing away 20 weeks and over is legally required by the Alberta Government to be either buried or cremated.  

So, on top of this ordeal, "arrangements" had to be made.  

My husband was a strong resource; he was able to put emotions aside long enough to make plans for a memorial service...whereas I really didn't want the circus of a service...people consoling me, people hugging me, and feeling awkward, and having me rehash everything each time someone else wanted to know "what happened?"...but we decided that we could possibly regret NOT having a memorial service, so it would be better if we did.

We had an open basinette service, where baby was a part of everything.  My husband even planned to have people come over to our house after the memorial service for snacks and "celebration"...my worst nightmare!!  

However, it didn't turn out to be that bad...because it gave me an immediate sense of normalcy...and something normal for me to do...serve beverages, clean up, chat with others about their lives; it was really good for me!!   

We decided to have our little girl cremated after the memorial service...and we had ordered 4 special memorial heart urns that each contained the ashes.  We kept one, gave one to each set of our parents, and one to our best friends who basically moved into our house to take care of our son while we were at the hospital for 2 days straight.  I also got a special order birth-stone bracelet with ashes in its hollow...so I can carry her with me always.

I never questioned "Why" or "How" or "What if...".  I accepted it as "it just is".  A person could drive themselves to the brink if they asked those questions...because there are, and never will be, any answers.  I was able to better accept things with this particular perspective the grief counsellor provided me..."perhaps she wasn't ready for this world just yet" and, had she been born alive, I would have gotten to know her...and she may still have passed away  (SIDS?) ...which would have been exponentially more difficult!!

My older son has been a real blessing...constantly making us laugh. It would have been much harder still if we had an empty house to come home to...but our house is full of his belly laughs and and shrieks of "Choo choo" and "All aboard!".  Life doesn't stop...nor does he...so we couldn't "stop living" either.  We're planning to try again for another baby...I believe that her same soul is waiting to come back to us.  

The Doctor also provided a tidbit of information that helped me immensely...99% of the time, even if a pregnant mother immediately notices something is wrong and takes action...it's already too late to do anything.

Something happened to my baby in the middle of the night and, even if I had been awake to notice, it was already too late.

Yes...things will be done differently from a medical perspective for our next pregnancy...they won't let me go to my 39th week, they will induce me a week earlier to avoid any problems that may have caused our daughter to pass, I will go straight to the Obstetrician...instead of just a General Obstetrics Doctor (my question is, "why don't we moms get that level of care at the onset??"), and would get a lot more ultrasounds (I ask, how can I have any more than the 5 ultrasounds I had this last time around?).

It's been 2+ weeks since...and we just bought a new house.  That will keep us busy, eventhough our son keeps us busy enough!!  We're planning to plant a special tree on our new property in her honour...and we can watch it grow in beauty every year from here on out.  

We've grieved, intensely.  We've laughed.  Our family is closer than ever.

Even though she is no longer with us...she'll never really ever be gone.